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우리의 에고나 자아상은 바람이 새는 풍선과 같아, 늘 외부의 사랑이라는 헬륨을 집어넣어 주어야 하고, 무시라는 아주 작은 바늘에취약하기 짝이 없다. 남의 관심 때문에 기운이 나고 무시 때문에 상처를 받는 자신을 보면, 이런 터무니없는 일이 어디 있나 싶어 정신이 번쩍 들기도 한다.
학창시절엔 더 높은 성적을 향하여, 순위를 지키려고 수많은 밤을 지새웠고, 좋은 대학을 가기 위하여 좋아하지 않는 과목도 머리속에 억지로 집어넣어야 했던 그 불안한 밤들을 견뎌내고, 사회에서 직장생활을 하면서 시간이 지나고 경험이 쌓이면서 지위는 올라가고 더 높은 피라미드의 꼭대기를 향하여, 내가 원하던 원하지 않던, 내가 원하는 속도랑 상관없이 올라가야만 한다. 올라가지 않으면 머무르는 것이 아니라 내려가야 하기 때문이다. 내려가는 게 아니라 어떨 땐 떠밀려 혹은 스스로 뛰어내려야 할지도 모른다.
아이파크에서 자살한 삼성전자 최고 임원도 아마 이 불안이라는 감정을 통제하지 못하고 뛰어내린 것이 아닐까? 절대적으로 높고 낮은 자리가 아니라 세상이 생각하는 그 가치와 내가 받아들여야 하는 그 가치에 대하여...기대에 못미쳤을 때 느끼는 불안, 그리고 비록 지금은 가지고 있더라도 언제라도 이건 진정한 내것이 아니라는 것을 잘 알기 때문일 것이다.
이 책에서는 주로 지위에 대한 불안을 위주로 성공과 실패의 기준을 자본주의와 능력주의의 돈이라는 가치를 중심으로 많은 설명을 하고 있다. 그러나 꼭 사회적 지위가 아니라도 살면서 여러가지 갈망들, 갈망을 성취하고도 다시 찾아오는 갈망속에 왜 이렇게 살아야 하는가 근본적인 질문을 한번씩 해본 적은 없는가? 그 해답을 찾고 싶어 읽게 된 책인데, 또 다시 나는 선택을 해야 함을 느꼈다. 답이 아니라 선택....그 가혹한 선택을 해야만 한다.
성공하던지 우아하게 실패하던지.
사랑을 받던지 꿋꿋해지던지.
끊임없이 성취하던지 끊임없이 비워내던지.
부자가 되던지 가난하게 머물던지.
풍요로워지던지 풍성해지던지.
최소한으로 불안을 누그러뜨릴 수 있다는 건 노력해도 끊임없이 불안해지는 건 마찬가지라는 것이다.
불안을 없애는 방법이 없다는 것이 결론이고 이에 맞서서 싸우기보다는 함께 살살 달래가며 괴물처럼 커지지 않도록 품고 가야만 하는 것이다.
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